I had forgotten my password a while back, and suppose I never was so inclined as to retrieve...
though, in coming across this page again, I decided it was due time.
So, here I am! Back to report the overarching lesson from this past year.
Well, friends, I went to seminary to find that who I am is enough. I went to find the Gospel...and Jesus was so gracious as to truly grant it. Sadly, we should not have to venture to an institution in order to understand basic truth. Praise Jesus, however, that he was so sweet as to grant me true rest after an intense season of turmoil.
I spent much for 2009-2010 feeling, "How can I possible be so wrong about so many things at one time?" Interestingly, I knew I was off...in many capacities. Dealing with the pride and brokenness...before Jesus...a challenging, yet assured place to be.
With every intention of returning to seminary for my second year, 2010-2011, I found the Lord to, while in Chapel, send me home with such summon: "Rach, go home. You're already doing what I have crafted for you to do. You don't need a degree to be who you already are." So, I left. And accepted the peace...which transcends understanding.
I could and still recognize much of the immediate blessing of this season, such as connection to a Gospel-centered church, which does well to disciple its flock. And, consequently, a small group of sincere, Jesus-loving, people-loving guys and gals. For this, I am, sincerely and eternally grateful.
And, of course, I was blessed with a couple of sweet friends...I'd say, Jessie and Elizabeth. The three of us met the very first day of orientation and were truly able to walk with one another over a season that was, in many ways, difficult for all. And, of course, a couple of others who are sweet spirits and faces, although we do not walk daily.
While I still cannot wrap myself around the relationship I was "in", I can attest that I was anchored to Raleigh by Jesus. The farther my heart drifted from the life I currently live, in Raleigh, and from the families I help to care for...the more nauseous I became. While the Lord may, at some time, call me away...he was not, for sure, during this season...and so there was an outstanding tension in my heart and spirit. Wanting to be "in" relationship with this beautiful, Godly man, yet my spirit unwilling to allow me to invest...and a downward spiral within my heart and at times, from my lips, for I was fighting to keep what Jesus was calling for me to relinquish.
Jesus was calling for me to plant. How could I be in relationship with someone called to leave? And I realized, Raleigh is not his home. I could not follow him internationally...what had been my passion in the past was no longer. A homebody, I had become. And to my surprise. Though, I should not say much...since aforementioned lessons, as posted, display that the Lord was, over time, easing me into such position. Yet, I was too offended by this internal awakening to have stillness of heart. Its bluntness blasted like cold wind into my face. And I gasped, as though with surprise. Yet, again, I should not have been all that surprised. A great pain it can be to lay down our lives and wills for Jesus...when everything we imagined we wanted is before us, willing.
A messy thing, it can be, to want what we want. Ceasing to strive then meant dissolution. But, what outstanding, supernatural peace there was in letting go. In going home. In growing where planted. In keeping home for Jo Carole and caring for Sam, Charlie, Noah, Lila, and Courtney. In continuing to nurture sweet relationships with select families. Select children with whom I had developed relationships. In being the missionary Jesus had already formed...the missionary I was already, within the context he had selected.
And so I'm getting to live the life I have always dreamed...surrounded by sweet, Godly, folks...a member of a sweet Church family, a Happy House resident and participant, in a beautiful, supportive community, with precious, hilarious, children and quirky elderly ladies. Where I get to serve, organically, as I so desired. Where I get to laugh, abundantly. Where I have sweet pockets of time to play with Jesus and foster friendships. To exercise and enjoy a healthy life. Where I am free to read and draw and paint and write...to counsel, Biblically, to create. To disciple and be discipled.
All those years ago, I dreamed of remaining an artist, non-profit. And it seems, held loosely, this is still where I return. Free to roam. Through Jesus.
Ecclesiastes 5:18 Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot.
