Another Year Has Passed

I had forgotten my password a while back, and suppose I never was so inclined as to retrieve...

though, in coming across this page again, I decided it was due time.

So, here I am! Back to report the overarching lesson from this past year.

Well, friends, I went to seminary to find that who I am is enough. I went to find the Gospel...and Jesus was so gracious as to truly grant it. Sadly, we should not have to venture to an institution in order to understand basic truth. Praise Jesus, however, that he was so sweet as to grant me true rest after an intense season of turmoil.

I spent much for 2009-2010 feeling, "How can I possible be so wrong about so many things at one time?" Interestingly, I knew I was off...in many capacities. Dealing with the pride and brokenness...before Jesus...a challenging, yet assured place to be.

With every intention of returning to seminary for my second year, 2010-2011, I found the Lord to, while in Chapel, send me home with such summon: "Rach, go home. You're already doing what I have crafted for you to do. You don't need a degree to be who you already are." So, I left. And accepted the peace...which transcends understanding.

I could and still recognize much of the immediate blessing of this season, such as connection to a Gospel-centered church, which does well to disciple its flock. And, consequently, a small group of sincere, Jesus-loving, people-loving guys and gals. For this, I am, sincerely and eternally grateful.

And, of course, I was blessed with a couple of sweet friends...I'd say, Jessie and Elizabeth. The three of us met the very first day of orientation and were truly able to walk with one another over a season that was, in many ways, difficult for all. And, of course, a couple of others who are sweet spirits and faces, although we do not walk daily.

While I still cannot wrap myself around the relationship I was "in", I can attest that I was anchored to Raleigh by Jesus. The farther my heart drifted from the life I currently live, in Raleigh, and from the families I help to care for...the more nauseous I became. While the Lord may, at some time, call me away...he was not, for sure, during this season...and so there was an outstanding tension in my heart and spirit. Wanting to be "in" relationship with this beautiful, Godly man, yet my spirit unwilling to allow me to invest...and a downward spiral within my heart and at times, from my lips, for I was fighting to keep what Jesus was calling for me to relinquish.

Jesus was calling for me to plant. How could I be in relationship with someone called to leave? And I realized, Raleigh is not his home. I could not follow him internationally...what had been my passion in the past was no longer. A homebody, I had become. And to my surprise. Though, I should not say much...since aforementioned lessons, as posted, display that the Lord was, over time, easing me into such position. Yet, I was too offended by this internal awakening to have stillness of heart. Its bluntness blasted like cold wind into my face. And I gasped, as though with surprise. Yet, again, I should not have been all that surprised. A great pain it can be to lay down our lives and wills for Jesus...when everything we imagined we wanted is before us, willing.

A messy thing, it can be, to want what we want. Ceasing to strive then meant dissolution. But, what outstanding, supernatural peace there was in letting go. In going home. In growing where planted. In keeping home for Jo Carole and caring for Sam, Charlie, Noah, Lila, and Courtney. In continuing to nurture sweet relationships with select families. Select children with whom I had developed relationships. In being the missionary Jesus had already formed...the missionary I was already, within the context he had selected.

And so I'm getting to live the life I have always dreamed...surrounded by sweet, Godly, folks...a member of a sweet Church family, a Happy House resident and participant, in a beautiful, supportive community, with precious, hilarious, children and quirky elderly ladies. Where I get to serve, organically, as I so desired. Where I get to laugh, abundantly. Where I have sweet pockets of time to play with Jesus and foster friendships. To exercise and enjoy a healthy life. Where I am free to read and draw and paint and write...to counsel, Biblically, to create. To disciple and be discipled.

All those years ago, I dreamed of remaining an artist, non-profit. And it seems, held loosely, this is still where I return. Free to roam. Through Jesus.

Ecclesiastes 5:18 Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot.

A Year Later

All of the things we intend to do...

All of the things still, we do...

Wow. As I reflect on what has transpired in a year I am taken aback.

Travel. Friends. Exploration. Signing teams up for Missions Trips. Helping to lead those trips. Coming into the role of Trip Leader. Partaking in pre-trip set up in Jamaica. Belize. Jamaica. Hungary. Fulfilling role of Admin & Women's Coordinator for Spring Project. Visiting J-La in Orlando. Venturing to Crusade Headquarters. Meeting Student Venture employees. Touring Jesus Film. Visiting family up North. Growing closer to neighbors. Living in community. Investing in Happy House. Planning Missions Trip for Connect. Applying to SEBTS. Applying for scholarship. Painting. Working at Hereghty. Leading Small Group. Attending Small Group. Committing to BSF. Studying the Life of Moses. Reading. Learning. Sharing poetry. Networking. Exercising. Attempting to live out values in healthy living and eating while overseas. Reconnecting with friends overseas. Being accepted into MDiv with Biblical Counseling program at SEBTS. Receiving full scholarship for seminary. Helping with Kid City. Building relationships. Building a foundation. Doing life in Raleigh. Loving Raleigh. Missing home. Outgrowing a constant need for change. Appreciating stability. Craving stability. Appreciating the here and now. Looking forward to the future. Praising the Lord. Stepping into new life role. Desiring to fade into the background. Leading more quietly. Stepping back in heart of pursuit. Resting. Relying on Lord. Praying that Jesus will re-write his intentions for my life on my heart. Surrendering plans. Possibly love. Hope. Forming friendships. Falling into me. Leaving part of me. Returning near the same. Near. Continuing to grow in values. Food. Politics. Relationship between the two. Injustice. Freedom. Mercy. Creativity. Exercise. Nature. Outreach. Growing to love nannying. Making a difference. Being a consistent light in the lives of others. Praying to be such. Singing. Painting. Seeking new. Locally grown crops. Mom and Pop shops. Thrift stores. Yard sales. Perhaps trying on a new hat. Desiring to be a woman I could not be due to life circumstances. Reclaiming strength. Realizing I cannot do away with it. Leaning on Christ. Searching for cover. Gaining perspective on divine order. Calling men to rise. Calling self to still. Casting vision. Loving others more deeply. Applying scripture. Craving thorough theological understanding. Claiming relationship. Eating words. Being seasonal. Faithful. Responsive. Hopefully not sterile. Challening convention. Pursuing intellect. Maintained by Jesus. Rising to occasion. Transparency. Facing fears. Explanding mental capacity. Victorious. Publishing works. Committed to growth. Refusing in areas. Accepting in others. Letting go of childish ways. Holding onto innocence. Crucifying cynicism. Proud. Humble. In love.

Never did make the trip to Central America with David. Jesus told me to stay put. I obeyed.

Travels

For this tour I have been in Jamaica for two weeks, working with PPM..helping to lead Missions. While I love what I do and believe I get to use every talent/gift the Lord has given me, I am ready to be done for now. I have lead five trips this summer. Every week a new team comes from North America. Sometimes the challenge is adapting to the Americans, sometimes the challenge is remembering to remain gracious when local men make inappropriate or disrespectful comments..though I'm most certain that the two coincide. I find myself most thankful for the teammates I work with. Praise Jesus that our leadership is stacked, so displays what I believe to be an adequate reflection of Christ's face, his multi-faceted nature...such that when one of us is weak, the other or others are strong. The trips come together regardless of the degree of effort required, regardless of the opposition.

Tomorrow we leave for our day trip in Ochi, where we will get to debrief the week and enjoy each other's company....I'm anticipating "Remember Whens" and a lot of laughing. Four of us leaders fly out early Friday morning, so we will leave for the Kingston airport before Brit leaves. She will see the team off and then head out to SCUBA dive. We will venture back to the States. I am ready. Though, I will soon be leaving on an adventure to Central America with my friend David.

Our plan for now is to go to Honduras, Nicaragua, and Costa Rica...but we will not hold anything too tightly. As for now, I have a one way ticket to Honduras. I will return after six weeks, or possibly less, but am going to embrace the season to stop life for a bit, and breathe. However, my heart is called to Raleigh, which is why I will not be relocating.

As for life in Raleigh, I will be painting and drawing...experiencing the jouney of how my Lord will breed life through hands.

America is Messy; the Harder Thing to do is Stay

So, I got this wild idea to move to Nicaragua for a season of life...though it was a fleeting vision. For a moment or so it seemed I had no committments here in Raleigh. My pro/con list, reasons to stay versus reasons to go, suggested the contrary. It turns out there is a greater purpose...to invest in this place, the friends and ministry God has so faithfully blessed me with. I did feel "called" to move to Raleigh. The most earnest thing I can do with my life is submit to that calling.
Before I was overcome with the desire to flee the States, I had written my vision for this Fall. Now realizing that this is where I need to be, despite my heart for exploring uncharted territory, I have a seemingly nascent vigor to uncover the jouney that awaits me..here...

My encouragement to you:

Realize that people are just people, problems are just problems, life is just life...
that the grass seems to be greener, for sure. But more than all of this, stop over-complicating a God that is not a God of disorder or confusion. Be where you are. Allow your heart to be fully where you are. When you are called to another place, you will know. For now, embrace the present. Seek to honor your father as best you can at this moment in time. Eventually the current will lead you into the future; surely you do not want to be absent for the tour. Immerse yourself. Remember that God can do anything. And when you forget this, remind yourself again.

My heart's desire is to love and respect you as the best I can, to be an authentic friend, to pray for you when I say I will and even when I say nothing at all. My hope is that through genuine relationship and self-disclosure, you will be inspired to pursue Christ; I pray that your heart will understand that you will not be able to drown emotional voids through worldy efforts. While distractions are rampant here in the States, I suppose birthing my interest in doing life outside of its confines, God is omnipresent. When your efforts to reach Him appear to be without avail, remember this truth. So, as you search, as you flee where you are with the hopes of uncovering new, realize that it has already been done. The only truth we uncover is found in Christ and Christ is everywhere. Be where you are. Invite Jesus to chart your course.

Thank Him in advance for what he has yet to do
And He will do what He has promised to do.

Temporada Nuevo

Since I'm in a new season of life, I am inclined to start a new blog. I had recently posted a couple of new entries on my Xanga...though going back and re-reading my heart from 2005, I have the desire to let it be and start again.

In honor of those days, though...

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Finding Neverland a place where I can wander so lovely and so sweet so magical and quaint a love it is to have such thoughts to fly and gently touch another we kiss so sweetly again together I think of this moment this now and forever falling into a seat I dream again for the screen is so close but the world so vast it opens a door to step out and explore the unknown perhaps the make-believe is only what we show...

She touches her fingertips with his, one by one
Counting all five, from pinkie to thumb
Climbing the creases of her palm with the pad of his own
Figure-eighting its entirety so separately alone
He drops his index to sweep her inner vein
She follows his eyes as they plummet the same
So faintly he rewinds each gentle advance
Reacquainting with each finger, they circle a dance
He pauses with silence, then weaves his fingers with hers
Drawing closely to her chest, then spreads out his arms
She follows the gesture, though reaching only his half
Ideally consumed with the protection of a man
The world around them stops and all becomes lost
Mutely they watch their hearts being tossed
They stare into each other with intense Godly passion
Aware of a euphoria so wonderfully old-fashioned
The moment picks up and drives through the current state
Of being deeply in love with the Lord’s select mate
Now they meet for they are married and can blessedly join
Themselves while basking in such remarkable joy
For the fist time they express a physical desire
To explore the depths of an everlasting fire
That they committed to not kindling prematurely
Knowing it would have perished with all of earthy fury
And so they now stand with honor, having waited
To fulfill a purpose as two, both fitted and untainted…

Hushing the surrounding excitement, the lens begins to close
The lights begin to dim, though capturing a pose.
Together, Boaz and Ruth are outlined by this 8 1/2 by 11;
A picture titled “Grace” in a world they now call “Heaven”.